Question for a psychologist:
Hello! A year ago, I met a man on the Internet - chat. Communication with him was very interesting for me, I admired him. This is a guy, he is 24 years old, but most of all I was struck by his outlook on life. I then still saw the world in rose-colored glasses. I was afraid of everything new, and thought only about the good, which did not come out the way I wanted. And he brought me back to reality...
After talking for a couple of months, I realized that I like him, although we had never met “live” then. And my sympathy for him grew ... And so we agreed to meet, then I came with a friend, they quickly found a common language, they are very similar, the three of us walked around Chernigov. It was like this almost every weekend - he, I and our loving walks. I saw dedication in his eyes. And I decided to tell him that I like him. In response, she heard that I told him too, but we were in no hurry to meet officially ... And then one day we scandalized, I wanted to meet with him, and he told me: we are already dating, what else is needed?
I clearly remember when I came to him in Kyiv, and we walked around Kyiv, how he fell in love with this day, he was like a child. He adored pigeons, he was in love with me. He offered me to stay, but I refused and went home to Chernihiv. I remember how he admired my poems, how he came to me frightened (I wrote him an SMS that there was nothing between us and there wouldn’t be, the next morning I didn’t have time to wake up, I open the door, I’m standing on the threshold) ... Then he had a vacation , I did not see and did not know anything about him for a whole month, I thought I was going crazy. I was very much in love. After that, he stopped seeing me, and then I find out from him that he is in love with my girlfriend ... I forgave my girlfriend, because she loved her boyfriend. For a very long time I tried to forget this person, to stop loving. I killed my feelings.
Three months passed after the breakup, and I began to communicate with him in a friendly way. He told me that there can be no friendship between a man and a woman. I have been talking with him for about a year, it is pleasant and interesting for me to communicate with him. Once I asked him why it happened to us - he said that he had his own cockroaches in his head and he was just afraid of long-distance relationships. I'm still in doubt about his feelings, I don't know what he experienced. But he again continues to flirt with me, and I continue to love him. How can you win such a person? If he is my prince for life? I don't need another! And what do you think, are my guesses about his feelings true? It seems to me that he is still experiencing them, then I don’t understand what’s stopping him ...
Psychologist's answer:
Hello!
The topic of psychological features of communication via the Internet is all the more interesting, the more unknown it is. For the world, this is a relatively new hobby, and psychologists have to, as they say, post factum analyze and identify all the features, patterns and effects of such interaction.
Communicating via the Internet, people often do not realize that they are communicating not so much with a specific person who is on the other side of the monitor, but with his specific role. After all, such communication does not oblige you to anything, does not impose responsibility, but simply allows you to escape from everyday life through easy correspondence. Considering that you haven’t seen each other for a long time, but only in CHAT, there may be an attraction to the image that you yourself created for yourself in relation to the correspondence partner, and not to this person himself, with all his shortcomings. And if by the time you started your CHAT communication, some of your troubles and experiences that you experienced in “real” life at that time were added in a “most successful” way, then the picture is excellent: you are all in your thoughts + a wonderful stranger, bewitching with his speeches, and even helping you deal with life's difficulties. Then it is not surprising that as a result of such a combination of circumstances, subsequently everything led to the fact that you were carried away by this object. And they got carried away recklessly. This is how a person works, that in response to help in solving vital issues, he reacts with a rapidly emerging sympathy for his “savior”. Isn't it the same "rose-colored glasses" when a person appears before us in the form of only one hero and no one else?
Try to separate the wheat from the chaff. Try to be as objective as possible in your views on the circumstances. Remember, did you ever have situations when you seemed to be enlightened, and you clearly realized that the one who is standing in front of you now and the one who is waiting for you in the CHAT in the evening are two completely different people? Did you try to convince yourself that in spite of any hostility during personal contacts, you stopped yourself by saying something like: no, everything is not as it seems, he is just the one from the CHAT, and if I “I love” that one, then I “fall in love” with this one? ... Although, I think that there is no smell of love here, rather, this is a hobby, but a strong hobby. “I saw dedication in his eyes” (I wonder how it is), “he was in love with me” ... but how do you know all this? Did you ask him if he was "giving himself up" at that moment or was he just staring into nowhere? I dare to assume that this is again only your guesses.
“I learn from him that he is in love with my girlfriend,” and if he was honest with you right here?! Isn't this the answer to the question that concerns you: “Are my guesses (again guesses) about his feelings true?”. No matter how hard it may be for you to read this, but it is not a fact that he ever had any feelings for you at all. It seems that your entire relationship was based on your guesses and assumptions about what he really is and what his feelings are, i.e. according to the principle: he said this, and I understood this for myself, because this is more pleasant for me than that ... As if you simply did not want to believe what you heard, and sometimes just hear.
There is nothing terrible in the fact that you continue to correspond today, unless this correspondence causes you mental anguish. Otherwise, try to stop all communication for a while, maybe when you "calm down", you will not want to continue at all. Don't be intrusive! Flirting? And you flirt! In the end, this does not oblige you to anything, but at least enjoy the process. Be that fox that sometimes lets you get too close, then drives away, interact with him according to the principle: “we were and remain princesses, let those who didn’t get us cry” ...
After all, be that as it may, you can hardly force a person to something that he himself does not crave, and what is it for? "Win" it, if it is really possible, you will succeed only with your naturalness and naturalness. But at the same time, one should not forget the simple truth: "It has always been, is and will be, and for this we were born: whom we love, does not love us, who loves us, we do not need." Don’t play yourself, don’t understand who, just to please him and achieve what he wants, otherwise it may happen that you won’t achieve it, but you will exhaust your nerves. And then, even having achieved his goal, a person sometimes becomes uninteresting. Like a hunter who has shot a game, he no longer pursues it, but hunts another. So, maybe you shouldn’t try to “shoot” this prince in order to be disappointed in him later, let him forever remain a man without flaws in your eyes. So try to enjoy the conversation.
Believe in yourself and be yourself!
Good luck!
