Question for a psychologist:
Hello psychologist. I am 24 years old. My boyfriend and I have a very difficult relationship. Both are tired and want to figure out what to do. We went to college together and started dating in our freshman year. Now we live separately from our parents, but we swear so often, we are jealous of each other, that we understand that the relationship is very fragile, a lot has accumulated, there is no trust, it is difficult to forgive, forget the bad, although we are both sure that we love each other. Maybe you can help us figure out whether this is love or a habit, and how to understand and hear each other. Thank you.
Psychologist Answer:
Hello!
I hope that not only you, but also your young man, want to understand this issue, because playing with one goal is possible only in training conditions, but not during a serious game.
How much you have accumulated: “there is no trust, it is difficult to forgive, forget the bad”, but at the same time, you are sure that you still love each other. Ask yourself the question: are you really sure that, firstly, you love each other, and, secondly, there is an atmosphere of tension in your relationship? Or is it only your feelings about yourself and guesses about your partner? If you are sure that all this is mutual, the only thing that is more logical here is a conversation on a given topic. I am sure that you have already raised this topic more than once. But how? Cry? Requirements? How? Try to sit opposite each other, and quietly, calmly discuss what and how. Share your feelings, dissatisfaction, fears, listen to your partner, make something like a “disagreement protocol”. When problems are discussed and "drawn", it is somehow more visual and better fit in the head.
What is also important to consider is certain crises in the life of a couple. This is quite normal and a rarity when a couple manages to avoid them. A crisis is nothing more than the very boiling point that is reached by a gradual “warming up” of the nervous system and one day it simply breaks through. And here already, in the process of conflicts, a lot is revealed: the real inner “I” of the partner comes out, which often runs counter to our previous vision of him; there are mutual claims; but what is most painful in all this is that past grievances are remembered. And this may indicate the following: either the conflicts of bygone years, which caused resentment at that time, were not resolved even then, or the person deliberately recalls this, delving into the “dirty linen”, knowing that it is unpleasant for the partner.
You say that it is difficult for you to “forgive and forget the bad”. What exactly do you call “bad” and how does it affect your relationships today? Maybe at one time this “worst” thing just happened, and then just as simply sunk into oblivion, and no one tried to clarify it? After all, it is quite possible that you are offended by each other in relation to the same situation, but in a different vision of it. So you can be silent all your life, keeping a grudge in your bosom, but you still can’t figure out the reasons for what happened, and when it comes out, it turns out that you were wasting time, effort and nervous system, not letting go of the insult.
And most importantly, you yourself, without anyone's advice and "help", must determine for yourself whether you need this relationship. If you put all your pain and feelings caused by these relationships on one side of the scale, and all the positive emotions on the other, and see what outweighs. It is possible that it is this way of correlation that will allow you to understand what is happening and where it is going, not only at the level of feelings, but also at the level of the head, which often “turns off” when the process is guided by feelings. And if you come to the decision that you are ready to fight for your love and your relationship, do not listen to anyone and go to your goal.
Believe in yourself and be yourself!
Good luck!
