Psychologist questions and answers: Husband wants to leave the family

Question for a psychologist.

Hello, my husband and I lived for 6 years in a civil marriage, we have a 3-year-old daughter, we always lived well, if we quarreled, we quickly put up. In July of this year, we got married, we spent our honeymoon together at the seaside. Everything was wonderful. But two months ago he changed, began to find fault with me, look for flaws, talk all sorts of nonsense.

And recently he said that he does not love me, he has another, and he wants to live with her. I am 27 years old, my husband is the same age, and I found a mistress 19 year old girl. The husband wants to go to another.

I don’t know what to do now, what to do, I really want him to return, but I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do so as not to do stupid things, I already did a lot of them. I begged him, and cried, and asked, and threatened, now I understand that this should not have been done, maybe you can somehow fix everything, and return to your former happy life. Please help me figure this out!!!! Irina

Psychologist's answer: Husband wants to leave the family

Hello Irina!

Yes, the situation you have is such that you would not wish even your worst enemy. I don’t know if I can console you by saying that this happens all the time, only we don’t care about it until this happens to us. Perhaps I will not say exactly what you would like to hear, but I can judge the current situation solely on the basis of only a small letter written by you.

I cannot afford to support one side or the other, because, as you know, any medal has two sides! And this is an absolute fact! As I understand it, your husband left the family for a “girl of 19”. I do not think that her age plays a special role here, rather, it is the least connected with age. Does your husband want a divorce?

For the most part, a man is a lazy and comfort-loving creature, and it is much harder for them to make a decision to leave a cozy nest than for a woman. So what drives him to take this step? Or maybe who? Firstly, it happens that the nest is not as cozy as one would like (but, here, you certainly know better). Secondly, oddly enough, a man, as well as a woman, can really get carried away by another woman. And if sometimes such hobbies remain hobbies that are quite fleeting, sometimes it happens that they turn into more serious relationships. But even then, a man does not always leave his “hatched”, which means that he is attracted by something more than simple home comfort.

Yes, of course, all this is terribly unpleasant when you are on the other side of the barricades and all that remains for you is to watch your happiness collapse. But a man is also a man and, accordingly, nothing human is alien to him, and if love really takes place here, you, unfortunately, have no choice but to accept it and put up with it. Of course, there is another option: tantrums, requests, blackmail ...

But all these are rather destructive methods, and you will achieve only complete rejection, rather than a return to the "former happy life." What if it's not returned? And you only do what you are beating at the tightly closed door, completely forgetting that you are a woman, a young woman who can arrange her personal life separately from her ex-man. But until you are ready to let him go, the “male place” in your heart will be occupied and you, without suspecting it, will subconsciously repel all potential ones ... I am of the opinion that what will be, will not be avoided. And if destined, then no one and nothing can separate, and if not destined, then at least you can climb out of your skin, but there will be no result!

Yes, it’s hard, but maybe use the old wisdom: “out of sight, out of mind!”. Give yourself a break and distract from this maelstrom of unpleasant events. Take a time out. Only in this way you will be able to look at the situation with different eyes. Only in this way can you soberly assess your own and others' behavior. After all, your daughter is growing, and you have where to direct your energy. Time puts everything in its place and heals everything, even the pain of the soul. Nothing is eternal under the Moon. This applies both to love, unfortunately, and, fortunately, to pain. Work to become a unit in its own right, not in the context of "we", but in the context of "I" and "he". And, perhaps even he will return (although you should not rely only on this and work only for this), but will you need him when you learn to live without him?!

Good luck!