Question for a psychologist:
I have a loved one whose behavior I cannot explain. His friends don't like me, so we often have conflicts. It seems to me that he succumbs to the influence of his friends, because he considers himself weaker than them. How can you give confidence to such a person? Because at first he is nice and good, and when he is rude and rude with his friends, sometimes he freezes at all, they say, I don’t know you. What to do in such a situation? I'm tired of this attitude towards me, but I want to be with him.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello. Yes, it's true what they say: love is an evil thing. Surely you have heard millions of times from friends and acquaintances something like “Drop him!”, “Go away!” and so on. This is not surprising, it is always easy to say to those who observe everything from the outside and whose soul is not tormented by torment. But, judging by your letter, you are a persistent girl and ready to fight for your happiness (unless, of course, you are sure that this is exactly the same happiness).
Remember, no matter how trite it may sound, but the truth is as old as the world: all changes begin with changes in yourself. So the best thing you can do is be yourself. Yes, not just the way your parents and relatives know you, but the best. Love yourself madly. Do not neglect invitations from friends to go to the movies or eat ice cream, even if this goes against your boyfriend's plans. You are a person who has an unconditional right to your life and your “secrets”.
Friends are the eternal cause for strife between loved ones and these same friends. A real wise friend will never allow himself to get between those who meet, even when the other half of his best friend is far from his own ideas about what this very half should be.
To be absolutely frank, the ideal second half for a friend does not exist + But, as I see it, the friends of your chosen one themselves are far from ideal. If they don’t want to communicate, don’t, it’s worse for them!
Only, in no case should you stoop to mutual insults, especially in the presence of your mutual friend, who, by a lucky chance, is your favorite. Minimize your meetings. If he wants to go out for a beer with his friends, let him go, don't hold him, but on the contrary, show him that he's just in time. and you have been planning to meet your friends for a long time.
His behavior towards you in the presence of friends can speak not only of insecurity. And the reason may not lie at all in this. Understand that friends appeared in his life long before you, they shared one cigarette, a school desk, and sometimes a sandbox, so you will have to come to terms with their presence. It is a completely different matter when a man in the presence of his beloved, in addition to allowing his friends to speak unflatteringly about her, and even gives them reasons himself, saying that he does not know her.
And is it love? After all, love is not something as incomprehensible as a ghost, but a very specific thing. We love, which means: we respect, we protect, we are considered, etc. I understand that you may not be pleased to hear this, but what kind of respect can we talk about when behavior is not included in any acceptable framework.
Of course, to be or not to be with such a man is up to you and only you. You can listen to other people's opinions from outside, but do not let anyone decide for you. Only a conscious and balanced choice will allow you not to be tormented by vague doubts afterwards.
You must clearly understand that a person does not change, but only adapts to circumstances, so trying to break him is a thankless task, and sometimes even dangerous. Therefore, if you want to fight, fight, sweeping away all obstacles in your path, but change tactics. You have already seen how it was, look how it will be if you change something in your behavior and attitude to this situation.
Always remember that you are not his slave, and if there are disagreements, boldly express them, but not to his friends, but to him. And don't shout like a hysterical woman, but calmly and popularly explain what you don't like. It’s better to say and achieve at least some result, sometimes even negative (but negative, not because everything is bad, but because it differs slightly from our expectations), than to remain silent all the time, but never dare to say, and then , after many years to find out what both thought about it.
I wish you good luck and I would appreciate your feedback. After all, any result is still a result, and not marking time in one place.
