Parents against divorce from wife. What to do?

Q: We are both 28 years old. We have been married to my wife for almost 5 years, we have two children 4.5 and 2 years old. My wife and I have been friends since school (since 11th grade). I am a cheerful, sociable person by nature, my wife is a calm home girl. Before the wedding, in the so-called candy-bouquet period, everything was naturally normal.

But after about 2-2.5 years, conflicts began to arise between us, I began to understand that I was bored with this person, topics for conversation disappeared, we spent more and more time at home. It got to the point that we broke up and for about 2 weeks we did not communicate in any way. Then she called, said that she would try to change, and we got back together. We had two such premarital breaks.

After the 2nd reconciliation, we decided that we either need to get married or disperse completely, we settled on the first option, hoping that family turmoil would dilute our lives. After the wedding, a child appeared, naturally we plunged into parental feelings while the child was a baby. When the baby was already independent from the breast, and the grandmothers were ready to spend days and nights with him, we began to have strong conflicts about this.

I wanted to distract my wife from the child, at least for the weekend, but in response I received either reproaches that I did not want to spend time with the child, or she agreed to something, but gritting her teeth. When the first child was 1 year and 2 months old, we had a 2nd child absolutely unplanned. After much debate and stumbling, we decided that we would give birth. Although I already understood then that if a 2nd child appeared, then her maternal instincts would no longer be stopped, she was more and more immersed in caring for children, not trying somehow, even for a moment, to retreat from them.

After the birth of the second child in our family, the conflict over their upbringing began to creep to the fore. I said that we need to rest from them, she said that we only need to rest with them.

The turning point came when the second child was 1 year 2 months old. It was a corporate New Year's Eve party where my wife and I went. The children happily stayed with their grandmother. During the evening, I repeatedly told her that it was necessary to at least sometimes relax like this, in response I heard consent, BUT by the end of the restaurant evening, my friends, colleagues invited us to continue the holiday at the club, and here it is the moment, my wife categorically said no. If you want to go alone, I won't go. We had a fight. I went to the club, she went home.

In the club we became close, with my colleague, a pretty girl, we danced, drank, but none of us even thought about intimacy, we just had fun and good.
The next 2014 was like a series on TV.

I began to understand that I was falling in love with a girl, but I tried to drive thoughts away from myself. We also had fun with her when my wife didn't want to go out with me. Naturally, in the family, I tried to somehow cheer up my wife, but all in vain. The children were at the highest level, and behind them was already me and our relationship with my wife, as men and women. While relations with a colleague developed in a completely different direction. She also has a child. At some point, we realized that we love each other.

Wife, learning about my relationship on the side. Naturally, she made a scandal, and said the phrase that they say, hang around wherever you want, but come home to spend the night. To be honest, this phrase killed me. Further in our history, my parents appeared, who do not have a soul in me. Our family was talking about divorce. I do not abandon my children and love them with all my heart, but not fanatically.

When my mother found out about this, in view of her imperious nature and knowledge of my psyche from and to, she began to put pressure on all possible points, if only I would stay in the family. While my wife was just idle. It turns out that my parents fought for my family. The methods were varied, they kicked me out of the house, took away the keys, kicked me out of the house, shouted for me to return.

For some time I lived first in a car, then my father said, if you don’t want to live with your wife, live with us. At the time when I lived with my parents, every evening I had an unpleasant conversation about the fact that I was a rag, a worthless person, and my new passion was a prostitute and a thief, although this girl, like me, comes from a decent family. In the end, everyone told me, if you want a divorce, only then forget our phone number, you no longer have parents.

I tried again to somehow sit down and talk productively without emotion, but everything came down to screams, tears and tantrums of my mother. Then we lived for about 2 weeks just in silence, stupidly home-work-home-bed. Naturally, all this time I was hanging out with children, trying to spend time with them. And just the day before yesterday, my mother decided to talk to me again, and told me such news that if I divorce my wife, then she divorces my father, they say she is tired of enduring him and that he protects me in this current situation.

Hearing this, I broke off all relations with a girl colleague, parted on a positive note, but we both understand that we cannot live without each other. In it, I saw the image of the person whom I dreamed of seeing in my wife. At the moment, there is nothing in my soul, emptiness, I saved the family of my parents, returned to my wife, but I understand very well that this is temporary. My question is as simple as one penny, how to explain to my parents that I could love another woman.

Answer:

Hello Andrei!

Most likely, you have finally decided to part with your wife, and the main obstacle is only the resistance of your parents, mostly your mother. Resentment and anger at her for misunderstanding make you almost opponents, but what about her feelings? To understand another person, you need to change places in your mind at least for a moment. She is a woman, a mother, and therefore, like no other, she understands her daughter-in-law. She knows how to love her own child.

It's too late to say that your wife is more responsible in relation to children. And this New Year's story is an example of this. Was there such a need to continue the holiday if a one-year-old child is waiting at home? The wife understood that this was not yet the age when one could be separated for a long time. Unfortunately, she found herself alone in realizing her maternal instinct. Apparently, you are not yet ready to be the father of the family for real, since the desire to have fun is in the first place.

Are you really sure that you fell in love with a person, and not with the lifestyle that she allows you to lead: having a comfortable family and feeling like a father when you need it, and at other times being a self-sufficient man who can afford everything ?

That's why a girl appeared in your life who shares the same worldview. But is it really so? Have you ever thought about how relationships will develop when the period of parties and walks under the night sky turns into a real family life with problems and everyday trifles?

But will it not happen that your girlfriend, having got her husband, will turn into a homely and loving mother, because she also has a child. Will you be able to become a caring father to him, if you did not manage to do this in relation to your children? If everything goes like this in a new family, what then to do, again on the road in search of more cheerful happiness?

Don't take my tone too harshly. All my statements have only one goal: to help you decide how to act reasonably and balanced, not to hurt anyone, and most importantly, not to change your desires and aspirations. In your situation, this is not very easy, let's hope that only at the first stage. Mom is determined and is not going to give up her positions. The wife is also suffering, she probably knows that your heart is not with her.

But the worst thing is for you, Andrey. You do not want to become the cause of discord in the family of your parents. But sometimes there comes a period in life when you need to correctly assess the situation, calculate all the options, delve into your feelings again, and only then take the next step. The direction where to go, tell the heart. And mom will understand everything, maybe not right away, but she will forgive. Maternal love will be stronger than resentment, especially if she is sure that you are happy.

Elena, specially for the site shop-ultra.ru